When Depression Hurts Your Relationship by Shannon Kolakowski

Author:Shannon Kolakowski
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781608828340
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2014-01-30T00:00:00+00:00

A Demand/Withdraw Interaction

Intense feelings of worry from one partner can trigger what researchers call a demand/withdraw interaction. This interaction happens when one partner makes a complaint or requests a change, usually in the form of nagging, complaining, or criticizing. In response, the other partner avoids the request and withdraws from the conversation. Most frequently, women take on the demand role and men take the withdrawal role, particularly when the woman has chosen the topic of conversation (Heavey, Lane, and Christensen 1993). This demand behavior usually comes from strong emotions and frustration that your partner is failing to contribute or invest in the relationship (Sanford 2010). The demander is trying to influence some type of change in a situation found to be unfair or anxiety provoking. The more upset the demander, the more likely the conversation is to take on a coercive tone. The withdrawer, on the other hand, wants to avoid the issues, because he doesn’t want to feel blamed or controlled and he anticipates that nagging or complaining will elicit these feelings (Sanford 2010).

For example, if Angela starts talking harshly with Jonathan, he’s more likely to be reactive and to shut down fast. Angela feels empty and lonely, so she pushes for more contact. Jonathan feels criticized and withdraws. In this situation, both partners have strong emotional reactions and anticipate not getting their needs met. They both easily go into demand/withdraw mode when they see conflict coming.

While all couples may have the demand/withdraw interaction at times, couples who are distressed have the highest levels of this pattern (Baucom, McFarland, and Christensen 2010). A long-term effect of this pattern is that you and your partner may try to avoid talking about heated topics altogether or be reluctant to ask about how each other is feeling. This ends up alienating you from each other rather than making you closer. It also sets the stage for emotions to explode when the issues finally surface, for resentments may have been building. As upsetting as this pattern can be, it doesn’t have to continue on in this way.

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